Dear Santa, this year I’ve got everything I need thanks, but in case you are considering making my dreams really come true, here are a few fantasy ideas:
Another son, but this one must be gay
As you know Santa, I live with three teenage sons and a middleagedad, all of whom I adore and wouldn’t want to change for anything. However, the testosterone levels in this house are getting beyond a joke and now that I am the smallest (and I’m hardly short at 5′ 7″), everyone looks down to talk to me so I need help balancing the all-male environment. I love boys, so I think an additional gay son would be lovely.
I am fed up with waking up to Planet Rock on the alarm, a gay son would prefer Magic Radio, Radio 4 or happily sing along to Kate Bush with me (currently banned because I’ve ‘listened to it too many times’). A gay son would also be properly enthusiastic about my Christmas decorations, be better than me at choosing sofas and lighting and be on my side when the family argues about my love of a display table. He would also be MUCH easier to buy Christmas presents for. It would be helpful if he was also vegetarian so we could move away from the meat-fest meals that is the norm here and we would be able to go to the films I like together (Midnight In Paris, Bridesmaids, anything featuring Tilda). Obvs he would be very handsome, be good at sewing, LOVE fashion and mix a good cocktail.
A private jet
This year I have seen the inside of Heathrow and Gatwick more time than is good for a girl and which ever way you look at it, it’s a mighty crap experience. Hours of your life can be written off every time you venture into the greying, human zoo of airport space, with that ghastly smell all airports and aircraft have which makes your brain turns to mush (do they put special dumbing chemicals in it ?) I am tired of being retail-kettled in the duty free lounge, buying books that are twice the size of normal paper packs to make them extra heavy to carry (why?) and being made to walk MILES to gates -it feels like you’ve already walked to your destination.
And as for air travel being fashionably glamourous, don’t make me laugh! In July I wore my favourite jeans through the scanning gate and nearly caused a lock down security alert due to them having magnets in the hems (Marithe & Francois Girbaud, since you’re asking, the magnets keep the hems turned up, maybe not the brightest move on my behalf, with hindsight). It’s repro-Uggs and sticky jersey all the way. Also the onboard films are no longer fun to watch, technology might be amazing on land, but in the air screens are still those rubbish tiny ones we’ve had for decades (which often don’t work) with shit headphones . ‘Entertainment System’ it is not.
So a private jet would be a life saver as I understand you sometimes can even skip customs and immigration, I would therefore expect it to take off (probably vertically, like a Harrier Jump Jet) and land in my road. Thanks.
She died just over two years ago, but I miss her every day. There’s a lot she’s missed.
Some Theo Fennell Jewellery
A few years ago I wrote a feature on Theo Fennel’s Show Off! show, a week long gallery-show with amazingly lovely displays by Chameleon Visuals. Since then I have received its Christmas Catalogue, obviously under the mistaken idea that I might be a customer. It’s a lovely read. The thick pages of the booklet are heavy with gigantic, rock star sized gems that are set into truly massive jewellery that you’d need to wear with the matching lifestyle, otherwise it just wouldn’t work. To carry off the citrine and diamond coronet ring (above left) you’d need a good deal of space around you to avoid damaging anyone and possibly support for your fingers. The company does do small, discrete jewellery, but where’s the fun in that? I’m thinking a stonkingly large gold crowned mammoth skull ring (made from real mammoth bone, honestly, check the website!) and Keith Richards for company. Elizabeth Taylor’s jewellery sale this week had ten pieces of Theo Fennell in it, just sayin’.
My own private store, in the garden, fully stocked, with staff and nice displays. I don’t really need to explain this one, do I?
Best regards Amanda
PS, what’s on your fantasy Christmas list?