Due to unexpected enthusiasm for watching The Olympics by the household management, usual home rules are being updated for the duration. It is hoped that normal services will be resumed after the Paralympics, but only if they don’t interfere with my soon-to-be-booked fencing/gymnastics/hockey lessons. Please note the following;
- In a complete U Turn on normal habits, ALL meals will now be eaten in front of the TV until further notice. No food will be served that can’t be eaten with a fork in one hand and the remote in another.
- In a ‘Once Only In My Lifetime’ event, normal healthy eating options will also be suspended for the duration of the games. It is likely that pizza (often takeaway) will be served a lot. Please note this offer is UNLIKELY to be repeated this century. For the next few weeks I don’t care about vegetables or your diet.
- During the really exciting events, some meals will be subject to serious delay and cancellation, even minor interest events (shooting/archery) may cause major timetable upsets. Now would be a good time to consider eating less and losing weight.
- Just because at breakfast we didn’t even know that canoe-slalam even existed, doesn’t mean to say we can’t be a complete expert on the subject by lunchtime/the semi finals, whichever comes first. Do not question my expertise on Dressage knowledge if you are just sitting down to watch, I have been on the sofa absorbing useless facts since 9.00am.
- There must be NO verbal abuse when I ask to have the red button interactive thingy explained to me for the 17th time. For women of a certain age the weirdly baffling graphics on the remote are STILL something to get cross about (please someone, design a remote control with obvious instructions!).
- I don’t care what anyone else says, Clare Balding is fabulous. If you want pretty, concentrate on Mark Foster.
- The watching of beach volley ball will be evenly balanced with the mens swimming events, although let’s face it, beach volley ball isn’t a sport, they hug (quite unnecessarily) all the time and play in a sandpit.
- Sobbing with emotion when we win a medal is perfectly acceptable even if we have no idea who the person is, that we were even good at the subject (mens gymnastics for example) or even, possibly, the proper title of the sport they are doing.
- It is unlikely that any unnecessary domestic services* will be completed during the Olympics.
*includes washing, ironing, sorting of socks and underpants into comprehensive piles, finding things, any sort of tidying, cushion plumping, door and landline telephone answering, message taking and any type of recycling.
- The parent taxi service is also suspended until further notice. The emergency service will still be open but you had better have an EXTREMELY good reason ready to have got me off the sofa.
- Go Team GB!